When a Cup of Tea on the Commode (for your dying mom) Changes Everything

We know it’s coming when our aging parents will need our devotion, love, and care. When the child has to be the parent with no playbook in sight. What would you do when that call comes?

In this UnLost Cause episode, I had the immense privilege of speaking with Mark Steven Porro. Mark was living a solo, creative life in LA as an actor, designer, and entrepreneur, when he got the call. His 89-year-old mother, Genevieve, was slipping away. She had stopped speaking. Hospice had been called. And Mark was told to come home to say goodbye.

But Genevieve had other plans. So did Mark.

Mark’s mom, Genevieve, hadn’t been awake for days during hospice. Now with Mark at his bedside she suddenly opened her eyes for the first time since he returned home. And then she requested pumpkin pie…yes, pumpkin pie…just like that, Genevieve started coming back to life under Mark’s watch and care.

Mark didn’t have formal training. He wasn’t a parent. But he stepped into the role of full-time caregiver with patience, creativity, and an enormous heart. He sponged bathed her, dressed her, made her laugh daily, and even gave her beauty treatments. He called it “Spa Day.” He returned her dignity and in doing so, discovered depths of love and purpose he never anticipated.

Mark captured this experience in his 16-time award-winning memoir, A Cup of Tea on the Commode. What began as a personal document for his siblings evolved into a book that’s helped thousands of readers, especially men, rethink caregiving, aging, and what it means to truly show up for someone.

My Top Takeaways:

• Caregiving is a Crash Course in Humanity
  Mark didn’t plan to become a caregiver. But he quickly learned how to change diapers, prevent bedsores, and manage medications. More importantly, he learned to listen. To hold space. To be fully present.

  Anyone who has been in that situation knows how mentally, physically, and emotionally draining it can to take care of a parent when the end is or may be near. Mark’s grace, empathy, and patience certainly shined when he recounted those memories with his mom.

• Joy is a Discipline
  Mark committed to making his mother laugh once a day. That became his North Star. Even in moments of exhaustion or frustration, he searched for a smile, a silly song, or a joke. That practice wasn’t just for her…it kept him grounded too.

  It struck me how beautifully simple that was. I imagine many caregivers feel like they’re just surviving day-to-day. At the same time, who doesn’t want to laugh or make someone laugh despite the challenging circumstances. I think many, like myself, are just trying to put one foot in front of the other and keep going. And lose sight that they can still bring humanity and join with simple goals, like making their parent laugh at least once a day.

• Legacy Can Be a Hug, Not a Headline
  Whether he was reviving his father’s popcorn invention or archiving family stories, Mark’s definition of legacy shifted. It wasn’t about success or fame. It was about presence. Consistency. And love without conditions.

  In hindsight, it struck me about how much Mark cared about his loved ones’ dreams and desires in life…and then he personally took it upon himself to help bring them to fruition. It’s hard enough to turn one’s own lost cause into an UnLost Cause, so it was touching how much he cared and sacrificed to bring them to reality.

• You Don’t Have to Be the Hero, Just Be There
  Mark’s story reminds us that caregiving doesn’t require perfection. It requires presence. If you’re overwhelmed, it's okay to ask for help. Stay in your lane. But don’t stay away. Your presence matters more than your skill set.

  I thought Mark was going to tell everyone that if he could do it, they could (or should) to. But that’s not what he shared. He said to try your best and call upon others if needed.

  

• The One Who Gives Often Gains More
  Mark thought he was saving his mom. But by the end, it was clear…she had saved him too. She softened him. She showed him resilience. And she gave him a purpose he didn’t know he needed.

  This may sound cliche that you get more when you give than receive. But upon reflection, it certainly was true for Mark, and he has the memories (and the book) to prove it. I think this perspective is so important to try to maintain in the moment or reminiscing.

There’s something universal in Mark’s story. Most of us will face this moment: a parent in need, a fork in the road, and the question of whether to lean in or step away. Mark leaned in, and did so all the way. And what he got back was more than just closure. It was transformation.

If you’re caring for an aging parent, or expect to in the future, I hope this conversation lights a path. Caregiving is hard. It can feel lonely. But it can also be full of joy, laughter, and deep meaning…if we let it.

If you’re walking this road or know someone who is, Mark’s book has been called a godsend by caregivers around the world. It’s vulnerable, funny, and healing…and you’ll also understand where the title came from 🤔

If this episode resonated with you, reply and tell me what memories or emotions it brought up.

And if you haven’t already, join our community at UnLostCause.com and subscribe to this Substack. You don’t have to walk this path alone, we’re in it together.